The Great Toilet Paper Debacle of 14D
A Color Piece By Samantha Hirschhorn
I rang the doorbell to townhouse 14D, a 20-something-year-old man, with a demeanor similar to Shaggy from Scooby Doo opened the door. He steps aside, creating a pathway and I take that as my cue to walk on in. The house is dimly lit and eerily silent, which is confusing because it’s 8:15 pm on Monday night football and I am in a location that houses eight men.
The house looks like any average college house, booze bottles are on display in the kitchen and the walls look like a tapestry store has thrown up on them...and also the ceilings. I count 10 tapestries, some standouts being “Flavortown” with Guy Fieri, Bertram from the Disney Channel show Jessie holding a gun with the dialogue “be respectful to daddy” in front of a pink sparkly heart covered backdrop (obviously) and a red solo cup filled with beer paired with the text “I came to get my balls wet”.
My attention shifts back to the living room when I realize a new man has emerged from the stairs. He's shorter, with curly black hair and stereotypical geek-like glasses. The two men join forces to tackle turning the games on. Their TV setup is quite extensive, with three separate TV screens all placed on various elevated surfaces, of all different heights. The layout slightly resembles a triangle, with the largest screen in the middle and the two other slightly smaller ones branching off the sides. I watch as they fumble through the selection of half-opened controllers scattered across the tables. Unsure which of the 11 remotes belong to which screen, they pick up each remote one-by-one, test it, and when it doesn’t work they move on to the next, usually transferring batteries from remote to remote during the process – hence the explanation for half of the remotes being open. After a few minutes of uncomfortable mumbling, they finally turn two out of three TVs on. The Lakers game on the left TV, the Giants game on the middle one, and the Yankees game was just going to have to wait. Once the TVs were working, we all hovered around the couches, both boys checked their phones – I later pieced it together that they were texting in the house group chat and that this moment would be the last moment of calm before the chaos touched down.
“I just don’t want to see that asshole Kyle.” blurted out the glasses man.
Kyle walks through the front door – the timing couldn't have been more perfect.
“Of course.” he scoffs, and then the yelling begins.
This was the kick-off for the glasses man’s “crashout”. The reasoning for this evening's crashout is due to what I am now calling the great toilet paper debacle.
Here's the play-by-play:
Max – formally known as glasses man – was supposed to buy the house's toilet paper, as it was his turn in the rotation. Max didn’t buy the toilet paper on time, which caused the people of 14D to become upset with their lackluster toilet paper stash. Max then bought two single rolls of toilet paper – the reasoning is still unknown. This caused an uproar of emotional reactions from the boys in the house. Sides were being taken, Switzerland's neutrality was being claimed. Max’s protest to purchase the toilet paper blew up their group chat for the entirety of the day and I just so happened to be at the center of their in-person showdown.
I’m not sure if it was the indecipherable bickering or the sounds of the sports games that summoned the guys out of their rooms and down the stairs to the living room but regardless one by one they all just began appearing and suddenly all eight men were in the room. Quickly the chair hovering turned to sitting. And it became apparent to me that the games served as background noise, used as a mere buffer to their household drama. I became a spectator of their game.
These were the highlights:
Information is released that Max bought more toilet paper, after receiving heat for the single two roles. “I’m not even kidding, I bought 50 rolls!!!” Max pleaded. All of the rolls are lying on the floor of his room, he threw them there out of spite. He claims that his actions were excusable because they never actually ran out of toilet paper.
Max attempts to create an agreement with Kyle, “I will get the toilet paper for the rest of the year if you clean up your fucking bowls that are everywhere because there is rotting food at all time around this house. All the fucking time, as if I don’t do anything for this house.” Kyle claims that he doesn't know what Max is referring to, somehow diffusing the budding argument.
They took a brief break to watch the game, I call this moment the great toilet paper debacle half-time: They said phrases like, “That was a ghost call” and “There's been so many no calls lately, the Ref can’t even challenge it.” During this time a man with light brown curly hair goes up to his room and returns with another – you guessed it – remote controller. This fire stick connects to the TV on the right-hand side, they turn on the Yankees game. According to the guys, “the Yankees are being raped.” Then they discussed their new living room arrangement, Max jokingly proposed gathering the TVs into a triangle in the middle of the living room and having the group gather around them.
The half-time show ended.
Liam, who had claimed to be Switzerland earlier that day, joins the conversation, “You did get quantity over quality.’
“I’m living in a toxic household. I thought you were going to be partial!” Max exclaims. “You are crashing out.” Liam reasons.
“What am I talking about – you love the drama,” Max responds defeated.
Zach, who’s apparently hairy enough to leave the shower looking like an animal is growing in it, has claimed the position of toilet paper debacle referee. It is common knowledge throughout the group that his opinion on the toilet paper matters because he uses the most. He sits down on the couch, the first of the group to try the new toilet paper, the boys eagerly await his call. “I’d rather wipe my ass with anything besides what you bought. Fucking 1 ply toilet paper.” Max didn’t agree with his call. Zach explains, “It’s
not my fault I prefer Charmin Ultra Strong.” Max mocks Zach, “What are you one of those char bears what the fuck are they called, Charmin Bears, “God I love wiping my ass!” Later the two boys were seen briefly cuddling on the couch.
The debacle dies down, giving me a chance to explore the kitchen. There's a “Declaration of 14D” posted on their fridge, complete with hand-written signatures from each household member. Two statements stand out: “Max is on high alert for “crash outs”, house law warns all to refrain from any “instigating”. And “Any and all acts deemed as “confrontational”, are strictly enforced”. Confrontations and crashouts – the contradictory rules responsible for the great toilet paper debacle, heightening the inevitability of another debacle to tune into next week.
